Learn the rules like a pro, so you can break them like an artist

At least that’s what Pablo Picasso said. He seemed to be pretty smart, so I’m taking his advice.

Check out the latest post I wrote on www.liesaboutparenting.com, because you know, parenting is all about lying, cheating and breaking the rules!



Alright St. Nick, let’s try this again.

Dear Santa (part 2),

I’m not sure what happened last year seeing that I didn’t get ANY of the things I asked you for. I remember waking up at the crack of 10 am and running out to see what you had left me under the tree, only to find that the only ones who got gifts were my daughters. I was so puzzled, I knew I had been a good girl because I asked my husband and he told me that I’d definitely NOT been naughty…

Anyway, what’s the deal, Santa? I know you’re a man of a certain age, but I would assume that one of your elf helpers would’ve reminded you about your responsibilities as the grantor of Christmas wishes. If you still need a reminder click here, that’s the letter I sent you last year, I even sent it before Thanksgiving to make sure you received it with plenty of time. Maybe I should’ve sent it right in the middle of summer. I specifically remember asking you to give me the ability to cook; yet, it’s a miracle I haven’t poisoned my own kids.

But you know what? Water under the bridge. I’m not one to hold grudges. So how about we make amends and start from scratch? Yes? Perfect! Here’s my list for this year. I promise it’s not as ambitious as last year’s.

1- An invisibility cloak.

I don’t know about you, Santa, but sometimes I just feel like disappearing. But you know, I have two young daughters so that would be bad if I actually did disappear. So I thought that an invisibility cloak would be perfect for me. I would still be able to see them, but they wouldn’t see me, which means that for once, they would ask their father for help instead of me, the little one would at least make an effort to wipe her own butt (she can do it herself, I’ve seen her, she just conveniently “forgets” how to do it when I’m around), my husband would be forced to look for the white t-shirt that’s RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM and my name wouldn’t be called out one thousand six hundred seventy three times in an hour.

2- Tickets to the Ellen DeGeneres show.

I loooooooooooooove Ellen and I really, really, really, really want to go to her show. Going to the Ellen show would probably feel like Christmas morning for grownups, but better. Oh no, did I offend you? I really didn’t mean to, it’s just that Ellen is amazing and funny and amazing and she voices Dori so she’s even more amazing! Would you like to come with me? I’m sure you guys would get along great. You can be my plus one.

3- Thousands of Starbuck’s red cups.

Please deliver them to all of those who have nothing better to do with their time than to complain about a stupid red cup that “does not symbolize Christmas.” What more do you want, people?!? They literally have a Christmas Blend coffee bag. CHRISTMAS blend!! And their stores are covered in Christmas decorations! It’s like Santa threw up in there!

4- Dirt/smell/stain repellent clothes.

Because you know how much I love to do laundry… How wonderful would it be not to panic every time someone spilled chocolate milk, or pasta sauce, or wine, or anything else for that matter.  All that time I’m going to save not doing laundry could be quality time spent completely alone in my room binge watching anything.

5- Infinite patience 

Because, “Mami, where are my shoes?”, “Mami, I want some water.”, “Mami, I spilled the water.”, “Mami, I don’t feel like going to school today.”, ” Mami, I don’t like that food.”, “Mami, I’m not hungry.”, “Mami, I’m staaaarving!!!”, “Mami, I farted HAHAHAHA.”, “Mami, she hit me.”, “Mami, I punched her back!”, “Mami, what are you doing??”, “Mami, why are you screaming into a pillow?”

6- Awesome dance moves.

I want to be able to break out in song and dance WHEREVER and WHENEVER I feel like it. I don’t care who I embarrass as long as I don’t embarrass myself. My issue is that I only know how to do the MC Hammer and The Robot. I tried doing The Sprinkler and I ended up at the chiropractor’s. So maybe swoosh your little magic wand or super Santa powers and give me some super impressive dance moves. Or better yet, send Beyoncé to my house for a weekend so that she can bestow her awesomeness upon me. Yes! Yes! Send Beyoncé….and Ellen DeGeneres while you’re at it.


If you’re feeling generous, please magically replace my back. I have a feeling I might throw mine out after Beyoncé is done with me.





20 things I’ve learned since becoming a mom

  1. Sleep is not necessary. Even when they sleep through the night I will wake up covered in sweat because it’s 4 am and both of my kids are still in their own beds and clearly something terrible has happened and I need to go check up on them!!!
  2. Everyone will judge you. Especially when they see you feeding them “organic” gummy bears for snack.  I’ve learned to roll my eyes and turn away. Relax, Judgy McJudgerson, I do not give them organic gummy bears for snack…they’re too expensive. I get the generic brand.
  3. Watching Disney Channel without the kids is nothing to be embarrassed about. Neither is wanting to meet all the actors.
  4. I  REALLY appreciate the quiet moments. Any quiet moment. Like, REALLY appreciate. Even if it’s only a couple of minutes of golden silence.
  5. #4 is a lie. There are no quiet moments.
  6. I no longer feel pain. My boobs are immune to little punches and headbutts. My ribs no longer feel the pain of little feet kicking in the middle of the night. Stepping on Legos doesn’t even hurt anymore. Ha!
  7. OMG! Totes Amazeballs! DUH!!! I. Can’t. Even!! BF4L! So totally cool!!!! Adorbz!!! Awesome Sauce!!!
  8. Going to work is actually relaxing. Mondays are a bliss.
  9. Little secrets are the best. Even if you end up with an earful of spit.
  10. Therapy is overrated. I bury my face in a pillow and scream.
  11. Homemade birthday cards and cakes frosted by little hands beats any other gift.
  12. I stopped being a cool mom the minute they turned 5.
  13. They love to prance around wearing all of my makeup. They usually end up ruining the makeup and that’s OK because they have already ruined the rest of my stuff including my youth so what gives if they shatter a case of eye shadow or two or use my mascara to draw because they are not allowed to use sharpies…
  14. Breakfast for dinner is ok. Chinese for dinner the next day is ok too ;)
  15. There is not enough coffee in the world and Starbucks is my mothership.
  16. “Can I have just ONE piece of candy?” is usually followed by, “Can I have just ANOTHER piece of candy?” is usually followed by, “I have a TERRIBLE tummy ache and I want to throw up.”
  17. Movie night is holy. Amen.
  18. Doing homework is not and paper mache can go to hell.
  19. Relaxing weekends are non-existent. Unless I trick my husband and tell him I have a gazillion errands to run so he must stay with the kids all day but I secretly go get a massage and a pedicure and a manicure and maybe stop by the mall to do a little shopping. Then yes, some weekends are relaxing.
  20. I don’t have a #20 but it seemed like a good number for the title. Sorry, I’m tired, I have laundry to do. Coffee.


    The end.

dear parents who insist on leaving their kids waiting inside the car

I know, I know, kids can be a HUGE inconvenience, trust me, I have 2 of my own and Oh My God are they an inconvenience! Just the other day I had to go grocery shopping AGAIN because I gave birth to bottomless pits who insist on eating at least three times a day, and of course I HAD to take them with me because it’s “frowned upon” to leave kids unsupervised at home or with your really weird neighbor. Whatever. On our way there, they insisted on talking non-stop. Non-stop! As in both of them talking at the same time, sometimes they would even laugh hysterically! Talk about annoying and inconvenient! Little mouths talking about how excited they are for school to start, or how much fun they have with you at the pool, or about the super awesome park you took them to the other day, blah, blah, blah, annooooying!!! Anyway, as I was saying, I completely understand why you would leave your kid in a smoldering, unventilated car in the middle of summer. I mean, that ought to shut him up for a while, right? Or maybe you didn’t want your kid bothering you while you shopped. Mine do it all the time. They want to cross off the items on my list, they want to get all the ice cream flavors, they want to buy all the candy, they hate the produce section, they want to…wait for it…HELP! So inconvenient. They just stroll along, lingering behind me with their little bouncy steps. It takes me like 20 minutes longer to shop with them! So I totally understand why you would leave your kid alone to melt away in the sauna of a car that’s parked right under the sun in 80 degree weather. Saving 20 minutes of your precious time has no price. I’m sure he’ll be fine!  Or maybe he wasn’t being a pain in the ass, but instead dozed off and it melted your sweet, loving heart to wake him up because he looks like a little cherub when he’s sleeping. Or maybe you were afraid to disrupt his angel-like sleep because oh my sweet lord can this kid throw a tantrum when he’s woken up! I completely understand that you thought it was a better idea to leave him alone in a boiling hot car. You know? Just the same thing happened to me the other day, BOTH my daughters fell asleep as I was parking at the mall. Talk about an inconvenience! I had to wake them up! Double ugh! Luckily, my oldest daughter just threw a medium-sized tantrum. But the youngest one? Would you believe me if I told you that she cried all the way from the parking lot to the mall entrance? I even had to carry her! The nerve!!! I totally should’ve left her suffocating in the car, I mean, the looks strangers gave me! Super. Inconvenient. Or was it that you forgot you had your child with you in the car? Don’t feel bad because I can totally see that happening. You see, one time, I forgot my frappuccino in the car and my delicious, refreshing, icy, cold drink completely melted. I could NOT believe that would happen to my super fancy drink! I was only away for 10 minutes!!! Who would’ve thought the temperature was going to rise that fast!  But you know, frappuccinos, kids, potato, potatoe….

Anywho….you’re doing a GREAT job mama! Keep it up!

Now you're going to have to replace that window. What an inconvenience...

Now you’re going to have to replace that window. What an inconvenience.

*If you’ve never left your kid or pet inside a locked car in the middle of summer or any other day of the year for that matter, then a big high five to you and you should totally follow this blog and be my bff.

in my honest opinion…

While reading my morning paper, I came across a very interesting parenting article (and by paper, I mean BuzzFeed, and by article, I mean a list). It’s a list of 31 products that are supposed to make parenting easier, of course, I immediately started reading because somebody help me please, please, please!

As I was scrolling down the list, I found that I could actually get a lot of use out of these items, so obviously, I started making my Christmas list because last year my husband Santa blatantly ignored the one I left under the tree.

So I’ve picked my favorite (and some pretty ridiculous ones as well) and given you my honest opinion, because I always have one. Ask my husband.

*You can find the original list here.

1. The Grab-N-Go Stroller Organizer 


While it’s true that we no longer use a stroller, I will be purchasing this organizer for my husband, because I am sick and tired of not only having to hold all of my daughters’ crap inside my purse, but also his. For some reason, he seems to think there’s enough space in there to hold his wallet, a magazine, 2 books, a water bottle and snacks. Enough is enough, I have a hump on my back and a dislocated shoulder. Happy Father’s Day.

2. The Slumber Sling


This idea is amazing and I don’t know why I didn’t come up with this! If you want to see the most entertaining bobble-heads in motion, just put my daughters in a car and watch them doze off as soon as the engine starts. Bobbling heads all over my back seat. I used to tape their heads to the car seats, but I think this Slumber Sling is more socially acceptable.

Damn it! I could’ve been so rich!

3. My Buddy Tags


The My Buddy Tag bracelet lets you know when your child is too far away from you, so naturally, I will be buying these in bulk. If you think that wearing multiple colorful bracelets was a thing of the 80’s, well think again, cause I’m bringing this look back. Not only will I make my daughters wear more than one (just in case one or two fall off their wrists), but I will be pinning them to their shoes and clothing. There’s no way I’m losing sight of either one of them. Ever.

4. The BiKN Tag


This is like the Buddy Tags, but BiKN is awesomer (I know that’s not a word, calm down). You can locate whatever the tag is attached to with an app on your phone. Which means, if I put this in my daughter’s pocket, I can find her wherever she is, so I will be buying all the BiKN’s, because when they’re teenagers and they “accidentally” lose it, I will have several boxes waiting to be opened. Because there’s no such thing as being too overprotective.

5. The Orbit Baby Sidekick Stroller Board


First of all, it’s $120 for half a skateboard. So, no. Second of all, I’ll be spending way over $120 in medical bills for every time I trip over it and break my ankle. So, no. Third of all, even if I still used a stroller, I wouldn’t want to push the weight of two kids by myself. So, no. But it sure looks like fun!!

6. The Toydozer


This is supposed to “help” them clean up, I think this will just give them an excuse to throw all of their Legos all over the house. So I’ll stick to what has worked for me. Hide them until they forget they actually own any.

8. The Tangle Teezer


Apparently, this little brush works like magic when it’s time to tame the most knotty of hairs. Well, I already own ALL of these brushes, all the different brands, and not one of them works. Not one. I’ve lost my battle with my daughter’s knots and now she looks like the kid version of Bob Marley. A very cute one, I might add.

8. The Baby Tooth Album

enhanced-11222-1400169490-8Is this thing for real?? This is gross and wrong and whoever buys this needs psychological help, unless you have a Tooth Fairy complex, and if that’s the case, go get help.

9. Cooling Dishenhanced-11768-1400192769-13

At first, I thought this was as ridiculous as Justin Bieber. But after reading its description, because obviously I was too quick to judge, I realized that this is THE actual plate!!!  And it’s genius! It cools down your food as you’re serving it! Whaaaaaaat?? I’m buying them in every color. Do you know how annoying kids get when they’re waiting for their meals to cool? PAINFULLY ANNOYING!

She's probably sick and tired of waiting on her mac & cheese to cool down.

She’s probably sick and tired of waiting for her mac & cheese to cool down.

And there you go!

Hey husband! Here’s a list of things I want for Mother’s Day. Don’t worry, they don’t cost a thing!

Since I know for a fact that you still have no clue what to get me for Mother’s Day…because it’s the day after and you still haven’t given me anything…at all… I thought it would be a nice gesture on my part to give you some ideas. Don’t worry, these won’t set you back a dime and I could really use them.

My Mind: I lost it sometime between 2011 and today. Not sure exactly where I left it. Maybe between the gazillion loads of laundry I’ve been doing since forever or the countless trips to the park…ALL of the parks to be more specific. I know I had it for sure the fall of 2010. I know because I had a baby that September and trust me, I clearly remember pushing her out of my nether regions. I remember every time I laugh hysterically and a little pee comes out. So don’t go looking for it back in 2010. Happy hunting!

It's a daily struggle. At least I remember my children's names.

It’s a daily struggle. At least I remember my children’s names.

A few more inches: No, don’t worry, not for you. I meant a few more inches of height! On me! Last week, while roaming my daughter’s school hallway looking for her classroom, the vice principal asked to see my hall pass. When I tried to explain that I was a parent, he laughed and said nice try kiddo and sent me to detention, which wasn’t that bad given that you’re not allowed to speak a word and I really needed the peace and quiet. Ahhh…30 minutes of bliss.

Well of course you may see my ID!

Well of course you may see my ID!

My Sanity: If you happen to find my mind, please look around, my sanity might be laying near by. The other day, I was walking out of the grocery store with a kid that didn’t belong to me. The only reason the cops weren’t called is because this kid’s mom was walking out with my child. Now we’re best friends and we laugh and laugh about it while we drink and drink away. OK, this is not true, but it could very well happen to me.

A clean house: This is self-explanatory. Please clean the house because I really don’t want to do it. You can do it while I sleep. I’m actually doing you a favor because if you do it while I’m sleeping, my OCD controlling ways won’t get in the middle of your productiveness and I won’t start bossing you around, sooo… you are welcome!

It's always just a false alarm.

It’s always just a false alarm.

Flowers: Yeah, yeah…. I know I’ll probably let them dry out within a day, BUT, since you’re already cleaning the house, you might as well buy a few hydrangeas, peonies and tulips to put around. The flower vases are probably under the kitchen sink or in the laundry, or maybe we don’t have any, not sure. Please figure it out, it’s Mother’s Day, I shouldn’t lift a finger. Oh, and don’t forget to water them.

So, since I know that my mind and sanity are probably long gone and impossible to get back, making me taller is really just wishful thinking, and surely you don’t know what a hydrangea is, the only thing left over from my list is a clean house.

Thanks sweety!! This is going to be a great belated Mother’s Day!

*UPDATE- I did receive flowers after all! And I don’t even have to water these!


Are you following me yet? No? WHAT??? Well, let’s fix this nonsense!  Follow me and get all the shenanigans straight to your email. 

53 steps to taking care of your sick child

  1. Get an email from your child’s school warning parents that there is a stomach bug going around.
  2. Laugh at the stupid email, after all, you give her a nutritious balanced diet and her immune system is that of a superhero and she never gets sick.
  3. Pick up your child from preschool.
  4. Be informed by her teacher that she has been complaining of a “really big tummy ache”.
  5. Watch her hold her tummy and lie to yourself that it’s probably only gas.
  6. Watch your baby throw up all over your just steamed carpet.
  7. Realize it’s too late to carry her to the toilet and wait for her to finish throwing up on your JUST STEAMED CARPET.
  8. Wash her face, mouth and pieces of hair that got in the way of her projectile vomit.
  9. Carry her to your bed and surround her with towels seeing that you just bought a brand new mattress and it’s not about to get dirty.
  10. Watch Sofia the First reruns.
  11. Pat yourself on the back because surrounding her with towels was a great idea since she just threw up all over them.
  12. Wash her face, mouth and pieces of hair that got in the way of her projectile vomit.
  13. Wash towels.
  14. Call your husband and ask him to load up the car with saltine crackers and Gatorade.
  15. Go back to bed with clean towels AND plastic bags to throw up in because you’re pretty sure this kid is going to mess up ALL the towels.
  16. Watch Team Umizoomi reruns.
  17. Convince her that although she feels better, she may not jump on the bed.
  18. Try to calm down her tantrum by jumping on the bed with her.
  19. Realize this was a BAD idea and run to the bathroom for another throw up session.
  20. Clean the carpet because you didn’t make it to the bathroom in time.
  21. Wash her face, mouth and pieces of hair that got in the way of her projectile vomit sit her on the bathtub and hose her down from head to toe.
  22. Brush her teeth and hair.
  24. Cry a little.
  25. Try to persuade your child to stay still while you search her head for lice.
  26. Find 2 more.
  27. Call you husband and have him pick up a lice treatment shampoo.
  28. Wash all sheets and pillows.
  29. Find 2 more.
  30. Cry for a few more minutes.
  31. Tie your hair up in a bun because you refuse to be a 36-year-old woman with lice.
  32. Hold your daughter’s hair back while she throws up one more time.
  33. Cry some more.
  34. Go back to bed and watch Mickey Mouse Clubhouse reruns.
  35. Try to get her to eat or drink something.
  36. Sigh with relief because she finally fell asleep.
  37. Never mind. She just threw up all over you and your bed.
  38. Wash her face, mouth and pieces of hair that got in the way of her projectile vomit.
  39. Take a quick shower.
  40. Throw all dirty clothes, sheets and towels in the bathtub because you just can’t keep up with the laundry.
  41. Look for more lice.
  42. Find 1 more.
  43. Cry and ask God why he’s punishing you this way.
  44. Regret being so dramatic.
  45. Take a nap cuddling your sick baby.
  46. Get woken up 5 minutes later by your 1st grader coming home from school.
  47. Lysol your 1st grader down. You do not need two sick children at home.
  48. Cry tears of joy when your husband walks through the door.
  49. Smile when you see that your sick baby is feeling much better.
  50. Get kids ready for bed.
  51. Sleep.
  52. Get woken up at 2 am by your 1st grader telling you she has a “really big tummy ache”.
  53. Cry. A lot.