antique store visit #345

My husband loves to go antique shopping even though he is obviously not a middle-aged woman. I on the other hand start sneezing and find myself short of breath every time he suggests we go to an antique store. You might be wondering why a 35-year-old man loves to go to antiquing, because that’s where he says he finds the best silver spoons. Why spoons? Because he’s the most obsessive perfectionist chef I’ve ever met. The spoons have to be a certain size and have to be made of silver because when he’s tasting the food the material the spoon was made of cannot come in between the flavor of whatever he’s making and his mouth and he can’t buy 2 o 3 he buys 10 or 12 and I don’t understand any of this. So we go antiquing for spoons. The only reason I go with him (besides the fact that I’m his wife and maybe I should) is because he promises we can go for ice-cream after…err take the girls for ice-cream after.

So we drive downtown where there are 4 or 28 antique stores back to back. I panic because I forget to take my allergy pill and I just know something will make me sneeze and cry for no reason, also the drowsy effect helps make the trip a little more bearable. We walk into the first store, yes, we check out more than one place when hunting for spoons. We live a fast paced life, try to keep up. The air is so thick and humid I can’t breathe, oh here comes the first sneeze… followed by 18 more… aaaand my eyes are crying now. This is great. Don’t they open the windows in here?

As my husband slowly patiently scouts for the perfect spoons, I try to keep the girls from shattering the whole place into pieces. “No, you may not pretend you’re having a tea party with this very, very old and probably germ covered tea set”. $30 for a single tea-cup? Unless it was used by Queen Elizabeth and it still has some of her left over tea in it, I don’t think so. Time to go? Yes! Wait, what do you mean you didn’t see any good spoons? How many different kinds can there be?!?! On to the next. Sigh.

“Do you mind if I wait outside with the girls? No? Ok”. Antique store visit #345 wasn’t any better, it was even more crowded than the first one. How do people walk in here without knocking everything down? I pictured myself walking through a maze of lasers, like that French guy breaking into the museum on that Oceans Twelve movie, only I’m not at all flexible, my hands are busy trying to keep the girls from breaking anything breakable and I’m carrying a purse the size of the Grand Canyon.  I managed to sit us down on a sofa so old my great-grandmother would’ve probably bought as a vintage piece.

I can smell the dust

I can smell the dust

While patiently waiting for my husband to find his beloved spoons, my daughters spot a set of old, I mean, vintage jewelry and ask me if they could buy “something fancy”, unfortunately, no one was going to walk out with anything fancy, but I did manage to entertain them with the most elaborate story as to who those jewels used to belong to. All I know is that a very famous queen that had a Pegasus for a pet used to wear them. That led us to talk about pets, which led us to talk about the absence of a pet in our home, which led us to choose a future pet which we’ll name Lily Pink Sunny Sunshine. We’re still not sure if it’s going to be a puppy, a kitten or a Pegasus. Still deciding.

Maybe she'll fit in the balcony

Lily Pink Sunny Sunshine. Maybe she’ll fit in the balcony

We walk around for a couple of minutes and I slowly start discovering some stuff worth looking at, maybe antique shopping deserves a second chance.

ahhhh so this is why this whole antiquing thing is so popular

ahhhh so this is why this whole antiquing thing is so popular

But then I turn around and see this:

photo 2

she will haunt you in your dreams

photo 1

the soul sucker

What the hell??? All I know is that I ran from that soul-sucking doll as fast as I could, packed my things and fled the country. Screw antique shops, next time we go to the mall.



world’s toughest job? nah…

Not too long ago, I got bombarded with this video about a fake job posting, I’m sure you know which one I’m referring to and I’m sure you’ve probably seen it too. I do have to admit that the first time I saw the video my eyes got a little watery, that closing song…so dramatic.

The video shows a bunch of fake interviews for the Director of Operations position and the details of the job sounded just horrible, “inhumane”, as one of the candidates says in shock. At the end, this puppy eyed recruiter explains that millions of women actually hold this position, and to the surprise of the applicants these women are mothers around the world. But the way they picture motherhood was just not very appealing. I ran to warn my childless friends not to watch it if they were even thinking about having kids. Although kinda cute (I get the point, us moms are the bomb), the video mostly points out the hardships of motherhood. Yes we’re tired and sleep deprived and we look like hell 90% of the time (ok, that’s just me, but not because I’m a mother, it’s only because I can’t get it together), and our houses are less than perfect bla, bla, bla, but it is most definitely not the world’s toughest job.

These are some of the job descriptions and my honest take on them based on my years and years of experience raising children (only 7 years really, but that’s 49 in dog years!):

1- “Director of Operations”

Ok, so they started out on target. Us moms definitely hold the baton around the house. There’s no denying it, we just do.

2- “You must be able to work standing up most of the time, constantly on your feet.”

This is not accurate at all! I’m always on the floor, we color on the floor, we play dolls on the floor, we do arts and crafts on the floor, except when they want to have a dance party, that we do on our feet, or when we’re  playing t-ball, or riding bikes, or running outside, or out for a walk, or chasing after them when they want to leave the house naked, or breaking up a fight, or running down 4 flights of stairs because they “accidentally” dropped something off the balcony, or teaching them how to jump rope….wait.

3- “You will work 24/7, no breaks available, no vacations.”

I get plenty of breaks! Usually in the bathroom…while they’re banging on the other side of the door. I’ve recently been practicing something called “selective hearing”, my husband has been doing this for years.

4- “You can have lunch only when the ‘associate’ is done eating theirs.”

Didn’t you ever try the “one bite for mommy, one bite for baby” approach? Works wonders. We do that in Colombia a lot. Baby eating from the same spoon as mommy? Not a problem. We call that antibodies. Or when your kid decides that your lunch tastes better than theirs, so they switch plates leaving you with the smaller portion; or when they dump all their food (accidentally or not) on the floor and you didn’t make enough so you have to share half or more of yours; or when they go through a grilled cheese phase and that’s all they will eat and since I can’t cook squat I won’t make 2 different menus and all I eat is grilled cheese sandwiches for a week…the point is, we do eat! Don’t believe me? Ask the pile of too tight jeans I haven’t worn in 2 years because well….I’ve been eating too much!

5- “Must be able to wear several hats.”

True. But who wouldn’t want to?  No one cures a scrape better than a mommy armed with princess band aids.  No one explains addition and subtraction better than mommy, except fractions, long divisions, algebra, calculus, sweet Jesus I hope they’re geniuses cause I can’t deal with numbers. There’s no better therapist than mommy, you wouldn’t believe the DRAMA that goes on in the lives of 6-year-old girls: “So my friend Layla  and I decided that we are not going to let ANYONE come between us! We are going to be bff’s forever!” “Who’s trying to come between you girls?” “Oh, no one! It’s just in case duh.”. And don’t even get me started on my 3-year-old…those are mostly made up though: “What do you mean Hello Kitty came to your school and took your crayons? I’ll have a chat with her mommy, don’t you worry baby.”

6-  “You must be able to stay up through the night, no time to sleep.”

Nuh-uh! My girls have been sleeping through the night for a while now, that means I get to do the same too. Unless they sneeze, or cough, in which case I better sit by their side and see if they cough again, they might need some medicine or a nebulizer treatment, I’ll decide in an hour. Oh look it’s 1:30 and my husband is not back from the restaurant, I’ll just wait for him since I’m already awake. Itala is tossing and turning, she might be having a nightmare, I’ll just rub her head until she calms down. Honey you’re home so late, you must be really tired, go to bed, hmm I see you’re already snoring….I can’t sleep now…oh look, my alarm clock is about to go off…

7- “The position will pay absolutely nothing.”

I beg to differ!! Haven’t you ever been paid in hugs and kisses? Best. Currency. Ever. Currency…that reminds me that I better work some overtime if I ever want to make that trip to Colombia this Summer.

8- “You will make meaningful connections. The feeling that you get for really helping your associate is immeasurable.”

I agree with this one 100%.  Nothing can compare to the joy it brings knowing that you cured your child’s ouchy with just one kiss. Or that they come running straight to your arms when you get home from work. Or that you can hear their little voices screaming from inside the school bus “mommy, mommy!” every time you surprise them at the bus stop. Or when they come to you when they’re having nightmares or tummy aches. Or when they can’t wait to share every single detail of their day with you. Even when we  have 1 million things in our heads, even when we’re sleep deprived, even when our backs hurt because your 3-year-old loves to be carried, being a mother makes it all worth it.

Wishing all mommies out there an early Happy Mother’s Day. We rock!!