53 steps to taking care of your sick child

  1. Get an email from your child’s school warning parents that there is a stomach bug going around.
  2. Laugh at the stupid email, after all, you give her a nutritious balanced diet and her immune system is that of a superhero and she never gets sick.
  3. Pick up your child from preschool.
  4. Be informed by her teacher that she has been complaining of a “really big tummy ache”.
  5. Watch her hold her tummy and lie to yourself that it’s probably only gas.
  6. Watch your baby throw up all over your just steamed carpet.
  7. Realize it’s too late to carry her to the toilet and wait for her to finish throwing up on your JUST STEAMED CARPET.
  8. Wash her face, mouth and pieces of hair that got in the way of her projectile vomit.
  9. Carry her to your bed and surround her with towels seeing that you just bought a brand new mattress and it’s not about to get dirty.
  10. Watch Sofia the First reruns.
  11. Pat yourself on the back because surrounding her with towels was a great idea since she just threw up all over them.
  12. Wash her face, mouth and pieces of hair that got in the way of her projectile vomit.
  13. Wash towels.
  14. Call your husband and ask him to load up the car with saltine crackers and Gatorade.
  15. Go back to bed with clean towels AND plastic bags to throw up in because you’re pretty sure this kid is going to mess up ALL the towels.
  16. Watch Team Umizoomi reruns.
  17. Convince her that although she feels better, she may not jump on the bed.
  18. Try to calm down her tantrum by jumping on the bed with her.
  19. Realize this was a BAD idea and run to the bathroom for another throw up session.
  20. Clean the carpet because you didn’t make it to the bathroom in time.
  21. Wash her face, mouth and pieces of hair that got in the way of her projectile vomit sit her on the bathtub and hose her down from head to toe.
  22. Brush her teeth and hair.
  23. IS THAT A LICE WALKING ON HER HEAD?!?!?!
  24. Cry a little.
  25. Try to persuade your child to stay still while you search her head for lice.
  26. Find 2 more.
  27. Call you husband and have him pick up a lice treatment shampoo.
  28. Wash all sheets and pillows.
  29. Find 2 more.
  30. Cry for a few more minutes.
  31. Tie your hair up in a bun because you refuse to be a 36-year-old woman with lice.
  32. Hold your daughter’s hair back while she throws up one more time.
  33. Cry some more.
  34. Go back to bed and watch Mickey Mouse Clubhouse reruns.
  35. Try to get her to eat or drink something.
  36. Sigh with relief because she finally fell asleep.
  37. Never mind. She just threw up all over you and your bed.
  38. Wash her face, mouth and pieces of hair that got in the way of her projectile vomit.
  39. Take a quick shower.
  40. Throw all dirty clothes, sheets and towels in the bathtub because you just can’t keep up with the laundry.
  41. Look for more lice.
  42. Find 1 more.
  43. Cry and ask God why he’s punishing you this way.
  44. Regret being so dramatic.
  45. Take a nap cuddling your sick baby.
  46. Get woken up 5 minutes later by your 1st grader coming home from school.
  47. Lysol your 1st grader down. You do not need two sick children at home.
  48. Cry tears of joy when your husband walks through the door.
  49. Smile when you see that your sick baby is feeling much better.
  50. Get kids ready for bed.
  51. Sleep.
  52. Get woken up at 2 am by your 1st grader telling you she has a “really big tummy ache”.
  53. Cry. A lot.

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