Since I know for a fact that you still have no clue what to get me for Mother’s Day…because it’s the day after and you still haven’t given me anything…at all… I thought it would be a nice gesture on my part to give you some ideas. Don’t worry, these won’t set you back a dime and I could really use them.
My Mind: I lost it sometime between 2011 and today. Not sure exactly where I left it. Maybe between the gazillion loads of laundry I’ve been doing since forever or the countless trips to the park…ALL of the parks to be more specific. I know I had it for sure the fall of 2010. I know because I had a baby that September and trust me, I clearly remember pushing her out of my nether regions. I remember every time I laugh hysterically and a little pee comes out. So don’t go looking for it back in 2010. Happy hunting!
A few more inches: No, don’t worry, not for you. I meant a few more inches of height! On me! Last week, while roaming my daughter’s school hallway looking for her classroom, the vice principal asked to see my hall pass. When I tried to explain that I was a parent, he laughed and said nice try kiddo and sent me to detention, which wasn’t that bad given that you’re not allowed to speak a word and I really needed the peace and quiet. Ahhh…30 minutes of bliss.
My Sanity: If you happen to find my mind, please look around, my sanity might be laying near by. The other day, I was walking out of the grocery store with a kid that didn’t belong to me. The only reason the cops weren’t called is because this kid’s mom was walking out with my child. Now we’re best friends and we laugh and laugh about it while we drink and drink away. OK, this is not true, but it could very well happen to me.
A clean house: This is self-explanatory. Please clean the house because I really don’t want to do it. You can do it while I sleep. I’m actually doing you a favor because if you do it while I’m sleeping, my OCD controlling ways won’t get in the middle of your productiveness and I won’t start bossing you around, sooo… you are welcome!
Flowers: Yeah, yeah…. I know I’ll probably let them dry out within a day, BUT, since you’re already cleaning the house, you might as well buy a few hydrangeas, peonies and tulips to put around. The flower vases are probably under the kitchen sink or in the laundry, or maybe we don’t have any, not sure. Please figure it out, it’s Mother’s Day, I shouldn’t lift a finger. Oh, and don’t forget to water them.
So, since I know that my mind and sanity are probably long gone and impossible to get back, making me taller is really just wishful thinking, and surely you don’t know what a hydrangea is, the only thing left over from my list is a clean house.
Thanks sweety!! This is going to be a great belated Mother’s Day!
*UPDATE- I did receive flowers after all! And I don’t even have to water these!
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