20 things I’ve learned since becoming a mom

  1. Sleep is not necessary. Even when they sleep through the night I will wake up covered in sweat because it’s 4 am and both of my kids are still in their own beds and clearly something terrible has happened and I need to go check up on them!!!
  2. Everyone will judge you. Especially when they see you feeding them “organic” gummy bears for snack.  I’ve learned to roll my eyes and turn away. Relax, Judgy McJudgerson, I do not give them organic gummy bears for snack…they’re too expensive. I get the generic brand.
  3. Watching Disney Channel without the kids is nothing to be embarrassed about. Neither is wanting to meet all the actors.
  4. I  REALLY appreciate the quiet moments. Any quiet moment. Like, REALLY appreciate. Even if it’s only a couple of minutes of golden silence.
  5. #4 is a lie. There are no quiet moments.
  6. I no longer feel pain. My boobs are immune to little punches and headbutts. My ribs no longer feel the pain of little feet kicking in the middle of the night. Stepping on Legos doesn’t even hurt anymore. Ha!
  7. OMG! Totes Amazeballs! DUH!!! I. Can’t. Even!! BF4L! So totally cool!!!! Adorbz!!! Awesome Sauce!!!
  8. Going to work is actually relaxing. Mondays are a bliss.
  9. Little secrets are the best. Even if you end up with an earful of spit.
  10. Therapy is overrated. I bury my face in a pillow and scream.
  11. Homemade birthday cards and cakes frosted by little hands beats any other gift.
  12. I stopped being a cool mom the minute they turned 5.
  13. They love to prance around wearing all of my makeup. They usually end up ruining the makeup and that’s OK because they have already ruined the rest of my stuff including my youth so what gives if they shatter a case of eye shadow or two or use my mascara to draw because they are not allowed to use sharpies…
  14. Breakfast for dinner is ok. Chinese for dinner the next day is ok too ;)
  15. There is not enough coffee in the world and Starbucks is my mothership.
  16. “Can I have just ONE piece of candy?” is usually followed by, “Can I have just ANOTHER piece of candy?” is usually followed by, “I have a TERRIBLE tummy ache and I want to throw up.”
  17. Movie night is holy. Amen.
  18. Doing homework is not and paper mache can go to hell.
  19. Relaxing weekends are non-existent. Unless I trick my husband and tell him I have a gazillion errands to run so he must stay with the kids all day but I secretly go get a massage and a pedicure and a manicure and maybe stop by the mall to do a little shopping. Then yes, some weekends are relaxing.
  20. I don’t have a #20 but it seemed like a good number for the title. Sorry, I’m tired, I have laundry to do. Coffee.

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    The end.