Dear Santa (part 2),
I’m not sure what happened last year seeing that I didn’t get ANY of the things I asked you for. I remember waking up at the crack of 10 am and running out to see what you had left me under the tree, only to find that the only ones who got gifts were my daughters. I was so puzzled, I knew I had been a good girl because I asked my husband and he told me that I’d definitely NOT been naughty…
Anyway, what’s the deal, Santa? I know you’re a man of a certain age, but I would assume that one of your elf helpers would’ve reminded you about your responsibilities as the grantor of Christmas wishes. If you still need a reminder click here, that’s the letter I sent you last year, I even sent it before Thanksgiving to make sure you received it with plenty of time. Maybe I should’ve sent it right in the middle of summer. I specifically remember asking you to give me the ability to cook; yet, it’s a miracle I haven’t poisoned my own kids.
But you know what? Water under the bridge. I’m not one to hold grudges. So how about we make amends and start from scratch? Yes? Perfect! Here’s my list for this year. I promise it’s not as ambitious as last year’s.
1- An invisibility cloak.
I don’t know about you, Santa, but sometimes I just feel like disappearing. But you know, I have two young daughters so that would be bad if I actually did disappear. So I thought that an invisibility cloak would be perfect for me. I would still be able to see them, but they wouldn’t see me, which means that for once, they would ask their father for help instead of me, the little one would at least make an effort to wipe her own butt (she can do it herself, I’ve seen her, she just conveniently “forgets” how to do it when I’m around), my husband would be forced to look for the white t-shirt that’s RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM and my name wouldn’t be called out one thousand six hundred seventy three times in an hour.
2- Tickets to the Ellen DeGeneres show.
I loooooooooooooove Ellen and I really, really, really, really want to go to her show. Going to the Ellen show would probably feel like Christmas morning for grownups, but better. Oh no, did I offend you? I really didn’t mean to, it’s just that Ellen is amazing and funny and amazing and she voices Dori so she’s even more amazing! Would you like to come with me? I’m sure you guys would get along great. You can be my plus one.
3- Thousands of Starbuck’s red cups.
Please deliver them to all of those who have nothing better to do with their time than to complain about a stupid red cup that “does not symbolize Christmas.” What more do you want, people?!? They literally have a Christmas Blend coffee bag. CHRISTMAS blend!! And their stores are covered in Christmas decorations! It’s like Santa threw up in there!
4- Dirt/smell/stain repellent clothes.
Because you know how much I love to do laundry… How wonderful would it be not to panic every time someone spilled chocolate milk, or pasta sauce, or wine, or anything else for that matter. All that time I’m going to save not doing laundry could be quality time spent completely alone in my room binge watching anything.
5- Infinite patience
Because, “Mami, where are my shoes?”, “Mami, I want some water.”, “Mami, I spilled the water.”, “Mami, I don’t feel like going to school today.”, ” Mami, I don’t like that food.”, “Mami, I’m not hungry.”, “Mami, I’m staaaarving!!!”, “Mami, I farted HAHAHAHA.”, “Mami, she hit me.”, “Mami, I punched her back!”, “Mami, what are you doing??”, “Mami, why are you screaming into a pillow?”
6- Awesome dance moves.
I want to be able to break out in song and dance WHEREVER and WHENEVER I feel like it. I don’t care who I embarrass as long as I don’t embarrass myself. My issue is that I only know how to do the MC Hammer and The Robot. I tried doing The Sprinkler and I ended up at the chiropractor’s. So maybe swoosh your little magic wand or super Santa powers and give me some super impressive dance moves. Or better yet, send Beyoncé to my house for a weekend so that she can bestow her awesomeness upon me. Yes! Yes! Send Beyoncé….and Ellen DeGeneres while you’re at it.
If you’re feeling generous, please magically replace my back. I have a feeling I might throw mine out after Beyoncé is done with me.