Learn the rules like a pro, so you can break them like an artist

At least that’s what Pablo Picasso said. He seemed to be pretty smart, so I’m taking his advice.

Check out the latest post I wrote on www.liesaboutparenting.com, because you know, parenting is all about lying, cheating and breaking the rules!

images

 

Advertisements

20 things I’ve learned since becoming a mom

  1. Sleep is not necessary. Even when they sleep through the night I will wake up covered in sweat because it’s 4 am and both of my kids are still in their own beds and clearly something terrible has happened and I need to go check up on them!!!
  2. Everyone will judge you. Especially when they see you feeding them “organic” gummy bears for snack.  I’ve learned to roll my eyes and turn away. Relax, Judgy McJudgerson, I do not give them organic gummy bears for snack…they’re too expensive. I get the generic brand.
  3. Watching Disney Channel without the kids is nothing to be embarrassed about. Neither is wanting to meet all the actors.
  4. I  REALLY appreciate the quiet moments. Any quiet moment. Like, REALLY appreciate. Even if it’s only a couple of minutes of golden silence.
  5. #4 is a lie. There are no quiet moments.
  6. I no longer feel pain. My boobs are immune to little punches and headbutts. My ribs no longer feel the pain of little feet kicking in the middle of the night. Stepping on Legos doesn’t even hurt anymore. Ha!
  7. OMG! Totes Amazeballs! DUH!!! I. Can’t. Even!! BF4L! So totally cool!!!! Adorbz!!! Awesome Sauce!!!
  8. Going to work is actually relaxing. Mondays are a bliss.
  9. Little secrets are the best. Even if you end up with an earful of spit.
  10. Therapy is overrated. I bury my face in a pillow and scream.
  11. Homemade birthday cards and cakes frosted by little hands beats any other gift.
  12. I stopped being a cool mom the minute they turned 5.
  13. They love to prance around wearing all of my makeup. They usually end up ruining the makeup and that’s OK because they have already ruined the rest of my stuff including my youth so what gives if they shatter a case of eye shadow or two or use my mascara to draw because they are not allowed to use sharpies…
  14. Breakfast for dinner is ok. Chinese for dinner the next day is ok too ;)
  15. There is not enough coffee in the world and Starbucks is my mothership.
  16. “Can I have just ONE piece of candy?” is usually followed by, “Can I have just ANOTHER piece of candy?” is usually followed by, “I have a TERRIBLE tummy ache and I want to throw up.”
  17. Movie night is holy. Amen.
  18. Doing homework is not and paper mache can go to hell.
  19. Relaxing weekends are non-existent. Unless I trick my husband and tell him I have a gazillion errands to run so he must stay with the kids all day but I secretly go get a massage and a pedicure and a manicure and maybe stop by the mall to do a little shopping. Then yes, some weekends are relaxing.
  20. I don’t have a #20 but it seemed like a good number for the title. Sorry, I’m tired, I have laundry to do. Coffee.

    FullSizeRender

    The end.

dear parents who insist on leaving their kids waiting inside the car

I know, I know, kids can be a HUGE inconvenience, trust me, I have 2 of my own and Oh My God are they an inconvenience! Just the other day I had to go grocery shopping AGAIN because I gave birth to bottomless pits who insist on eating at least three times a day, and of course I HAD to take them with me because it’s “frowned upon” to leave kids unsupervised at home or with your really weird neighbor. Whatever. On our way there, they insisted on talking non-stop. Non-stop! As in both of them talking at the same time, sometimes they would even laugh hysterically! Talk about annoying and inconvenient! Little mouths talking about how excited they are for school to start, or how much fun they have with you at the pool, or about the super awesome park you took them to the other day, blah, blah, blah, annooooying!!! Anyway, as I was saying, I completely understand why you would leave your kid in a smoldering, unventilated car in the middle of summer. I mean, that ought to shut him up for a while, right? Or maybe you didn’t want your kid bothering you while you shopped. Mine do it all the time. They want to cross off the items on my list, they want to get all the ice cream flavors, they want to buy all the candy, they hate the produce section, they want to…wait for it…HELP! So inconvenient. They just stroll along, lingering behind me with their little bouncy steps. It takes me like 20 minutes longer to shop with them! So I totally understand why you would leave your kid alone to melt away in the sauna of a car that’s parked right under the sun in 80 degree weather. Saving 20 minutes of your precious time has no price. I’m sure he’ll be fine!  Or maybe he wasn’t being a pain in the ass, but instead dozed off and it melted your sweet, loving heart to wake him up because he looks like a little cherub when he’s sleeping. Or maybe you were afraid to disrupt his angel-like sleep because oh my sweet lord can this kid throw a tantrum when he’s woken up! I completely understand that you thought it was a better idea to leave him alone in a boiling hot car. You know? Just the same thing happened to me the other day, BOTH my daughters fell asleep as I was parking at the mall. Talk about an inconvenience! I had to wake them up! Double ugh! Luckily, my oldest daughter just threw a medium-sized tantrum. But the youngest one? Would you believe me if I told you that she cried all the way from the parking lot to the mall entrance? I even had to carry her! The nerve!!! I totally should’ve left her suffocating in the car, I mean, the looks strangers gave me! Super. Inconvenient. Or was it that you forgot you had your child with you in the car? Don’t feel bad because I can totally see that happening. You see, one time, I forgot my frappuccino in the car and my delicious, refreshing, icy, cold drink completely melted. I could NOT believe that would happen to my super fancy drink! I was only away for 10 minutes!!! Who would’ve thought the temperature was going to rise that fast!  But you know, frappuccinos, kids, potato, potatoe….

Anywho….you’re doing a GREAT job mama! Keep it up!

Now you're going to have to replace that window. What an inconvenience...

Now you’re going to have to replace that window. What an inconvenience.

*If you’ve never left your kid or pet inside a locked car in the middle of summer or any other day of the year for that matter, then a big high five to you and you should totally follow this blog and be my bff.