Love is love is love is love

I cried myself to sleep on Tuesday night for many obvious reasons. I cried because we had lost the election. I cried because we are yet to celebrate having a woman for our president. I cried because a racist, misogynist, pussy grabber was elected to lead our nation. But mostly I cried because I saw tears of fear, disbelief and angst running down my daughter’s cheeks.

My heart shattered into a million pieces.

I woke up Wednesday morning trying to be hopeful, trying to find the silver lining. But I didn’t.  As I was preparing their lunch boxes, my oldest one came into the kitchen and asked me again if Trump had really won. Yes, he had. Those same tears ran down her cheeks again. And my heart, again, shattered into a million pieces.

I reassured her that everything was going to be ok. That this amazing country was going to be ok. That we were going to be ok. That SHE was going to be ok.

“How?” she asked.

I didn’t have an answer then, but just promised her we were.

Little did she know that she had already given me the answer. As I walked into my office, I found a note she had left for me the night before. It read, “Love is what I work for.”

And just like that I had my answer. LOVE.

So that night, while we ate dinner she asked me again:

“So, how are we going to be ok?”

I told them I had a plan. A good one.

 

This is how we are going to be ok:

We are going to love.

We are going to live an amazing life.

We are going to love and respect our friends, no matter where they come from, what religion they practice or what they believe in.

We are going to speak up and not remain silent. We are going to defend our shy friends against bullies. And we are going to show compassion to those bullies that are surely trying to fight their own personal battles.

We are going to celebrate holidays, birthdays, we will make up excuses to have laughter-filled family reunions as often as possible.

We are going to stuff our faces with ice cream and cake.

We are going to go on trips. Lots of them. Disney, Chicago, Detroit, LA, Miami. We’re going to travel all over the country. Because it’s an amazing one.

We are going to go to the beach, the pool,  all of the parks, summer concerts, festivals…

You will go to gymnastics, or ballet, or swimming, or whatever you want to learn this month.

We are going to try to catch Santa this year….and the Leprechaun too.

We are going to cook and eat together (your father’s food, not mine, don’t worry).

We are going to go outside, way past your bedtime to catch fireflies.

I will visit you at school during your lunch time and you can visit me at my office during mine.

We are going to visit all of the Smithsonian museums for the 100th time because it’s one of your favorite things to do.

We are going to have picnics.

We are going to laugh about silly things and cry at sad things.

We are going to build forts out of blankets and make a mess in the living room.

We are going to pray together.

We are going to grow together.

And we will BE together. Because love trumps hate and love is love is love is love.

 

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Learn the rules like a pro, so you can break them like an artist

At least that’s what Pablo Picasso said. He seemed to be pretty smart, so I’m taking his advice.

Check out the latest post I wrote on www.liesaboutparenting.com, because you know, parenting is all about lying, cheating and breaking the rules!

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dear parents who insist on leaving their kids waiting inside the car

I know, I know, kids can be a HUGE inconvenience, trust me, I have 2 of my own and Oh My God are they an inconvenience! Just the other day I had to go grocery shopping AGAIN because I gave birth to bottomless pits who insist on eating at least three times a day, and of course I HAD to take them with me because it’s “frowned upon” to leave kids unsupervised at home or with your really weird neighbor. Whatever. On our way there, they insisted on talking non-stop. Non-stop! As in both of them talking at the same time, sometimes they would even laugh hysterically! Talk about annoying and inconvenient! Little mouths talking about how excited they are for school to start, or how much fun they have with you at the pool, or about the super awesome park you took them to the other day, blah, blah, blah, annooooying!!! Anyway, as I was saying, I completely understand why you would leave your kid in a smoldering, unventilated car in the middle of summer. I mean, that ought to shut him up for a while, right? Or maybe you didn’t want your kid bothering you while you shopped. Mine do it all the time. They want to cross off the items on my list, they want to get all the ice cream flavors, they want to buy all the candy, they hate the produce section, they want to…wait for it…HELP! So inconvenient. They just stroll along, lingering behind me with their little bouncy steps. It takes me like 20 minutes longer to shop with them! So I totally understand why you would leave your kid alone to melt away in the sauna of a car that’s parked right under the sun in 80 degree weather. Saving 20 minutes of your precious time has no price. I’m sure he’ll be fine!  Or maybe he wasn’t being a pain in the ass, but instead dozed off and it melted your sweet, loving heart to wake him up because he looks like a little cherub when he’s sleeping. Or maybe you were afraid to disrupt his angel-like sleep because oh my sweet lord can this kid throw a tantrum when he’s woken up! I completely understand that you thought it was a better idea to leave him alone in a boiling hot car. You know? Just the same thing happened to me the other day, BOTH my daughters fell asleep as I was parking at the mall. Talk about an inconvenience! I had to wake them up! Double ugh! Luckily, my oldest daughter just threw a medium-sized tantrum. But the youngest one? Would you believe me if I told you that she cried all the way from the parking lot to the mall entrance? I even had to carry her! The nerve!!! I totally should’ve left her suffocating in the car, I mean, the looks strangers gave me! Super. Inconvenient. Or was it that you forgot you had your child with you in the car? Don’t feel bad because I can totally see that happening. You see, one time, I forgot my frappuccino in the car and my delicious, refreshing, icy, cold drink completely melted. I could NOT believe that would happen to my super fancy drink! I was only away for 10 minutes!!! Who would’ve thought the temperature was going to rise that fast!  But you know, frappuccinos, kids, potato, potatoe….

Anywho….you’re doing a GREAT job mama! Keep it up!

Now you're going to have to replace that window. What an inconvenience...

Now you’re going to have to replace that window. What an inconvenience.

*If you’ve never left your kid or pet inside a locked car in the middle of summer or any other day of the year for that matter, then a big high five to you and you should totally follow this blog and be my bff.

in my honest opinion…

While reading my morning paper, I came across a very interesting parenting article (and by paper, I mean BuzzFeed, and by article, I mean a list). It’s a list of 31 products that are supposed to make parenting easier, of course, I immediately started reading because somebody help me please, please, please!

As I was scrolling down the list, I found that I could actually get a lot of use out of these items, so obviously, I started making my Christmas list because last year my husband Santa blatantly ignored the one I left under the tree.

So I’ve picked my favorite (and some pretty ridiculous ones as well) and given you my honest opinion, because I always have one. Ask my husband.

*You can find the original list here.

1. The Grab-N-Go Stroller Organizer 

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While it’s true that we no longer use a stroller, I will be purchasing this organizer for my husband, because I am sick and tired of not only having to hold all of my daughters’ crap inside my purse, but also his. For some reason, he seems to think there’s enough space in there to hold his wallet, a magazine, 2 books, a water bottle and snacks. Enough is enough, I have a hump on my back and a dislocated shoulder. Happy Father’s Day.

2. The Slumber Sling

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This idea is amazing and I don’t know why I didn’t come up with this! If you want to see the most entertaining bobble-heads in motion, just put my daughters in a car and watch them doze off as soon as the engine starts. Bobbling heads all over my back seat. I used to tape their heads to the car seats, but I think this Slumber Sling is more socially acceptable.

Damn it! I could’ve been so rich!

3. My Buddy Tags

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The My Buddy Tag bracelet lets you know when your child is too far away from you, so naturally, I will be buying these in bulk. If you think that wearing multiple colorful bracelets was a thing of the 80’s, well think again, cause I’m bringing this look back. Not only will I make my daughters wear more than one (just in case one or two fall off their wrists), but I will be pinning them to their shoes and clothing. There’s no way I’m losing sight of either one of them. Ever.

4. The BiKN Tag

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This is like the Buddy Tags, but BiKN is awesomer (I know that’s not a word, calm down). You can locate whatever the tag is attached to with an app on your phone. Which means, if I put this in my daughter’s pocket, I can find her wherever she is, so I will be buying all the BiKN’s, because when they’re teenagers and they “accidentally” lose it, I will have several boxes waiting to be opened. Because there’s no such thing as being too overprotective.

5. The Orbit Baby Sidekick Stroller Board

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First of all, it’s $120 for half a skateboard. So, no. Second of all, I’ll be spending way over $120 in medical bills for every time I trip over it and break my ankle. So, no. Third of all, even if I still used a stroller, I wouldn’t want to push the weight of two kids by myself. So, no. But it sure looks like fun!!

6. The Toydozer

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This is supposed to “help” them clean up, I think this will just give them an excuse to throw all of their Legos all over the house. So I’ll stick to what has worked for me. Hide them until they forget they actually own any.

8. The Tangle Teezer

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Apparently, this little brush works like magic when it’s time to tame the most knotty of hairs. Well, I already own ALL of these brushes, all the different brands, and not one of them works. Not one. I’ve lost my battle with my daughter’s knots and now she looks like the kid version of Bob Marley. A very cute one, I might add.

8. The Baby Tooth Album

enhanced-11222-1400169490-8Is this thing for real?? This is gross and wrong and whoever buys this needs psychological help, unless you have a Tooth Fairy complex, and if that’s the case, go get help.

9. Cooling Dishenhanced-11768-1400192769-13

At first, I thought this was as ridiculous as Justin Bieber. But after reading its description, because obviously I was too quick to judge, I realized that this is THE actual plate!!!  And it’s genius! It cools down your food as you’re serving it! Whaaaaaaat?? I’m buying them in every color. Do you know how annoying kids get when they’re waiting for their meals to cool? PAINFULLY ANNOYING!

She's probably sick and tired of waiting on her mac & cheese to cool down.

She’s probably sick and tired of waiting for her mac & cheese to cool down.

And there you go!

53 steps to taking care of your sick child

  1. Get an email from your child’s school warning parents that there is a stomach bug going around.
  2. Laugh at the stupid email, after all, you give her a nutritious balanced diet and her immune system is that of a superhero and she never gets sick.
  3. Pick up your child from preschool.
  4. Be informed by her teacher that she has been complaining of a “really big tummy ache”.
  5. Watch her hold her tummy and lie to yourself that it’s probably only gas.
  6. Watch your baby throw up all over your just steamed carpet.
  7. Realize it’s too late to carry her to the toilet and wait for her to finish throwing up on your JUST STEAMED CARPET.
  8. Wash her face, mouth and pieces of hair that got in the way of her projectile vomit.
  9. Carry her to your bed and surround her with towels seeing that you just bought a brand new mattress and it’s not about to get dirty.
  10. Watch Sofia the First reruns.
  11. Pat yourself on the back because surrounding her with towels was a great idea since she just threw up all over them.
  12. Wash her face, mouth and pieces of hair that got in the way of her projectile vomit.
  13. Wash towels.
  14. Call your husband and ask him to load up the car with saltine crackers and Gatorade.
  15. Go back to bed with clean towels AND plastic bags to throw up in because you’re pretty sure this kid is going to mess up ALL the towels.
  16. Watch Team Umizoomi reruns.
  17. Convince her that although she feels better, she may not jump on the bed.
  18. Try to calm down her tantrum by jumping on the bed with her.
  19. Realize this was a BAD idea and run to the bathroom for another throw up session.
  20. Clean the carpet because you didn’t make it to the bathroom in time.
  21. Wash her face, mouth and pieces of hair that got in the way of her projectile vomit sit her on the bathtub and hose her down from head to toe.
  22. Brush her teeth and hair.
  23. IS THAT A LICE WALKING ON HER HEAD?!?!?!
  24. Cry a little.
  25. Try to persuade your child to stay still while you search her head for lice.
  26. Find 2 more.
  27. Call you husband and have him pick up a lice treatment shampoo.
  28. Wash all sheets and pillows.
  29. Find 2 more.
  30. Cry for a few more minutes.
  31. Tie your hair up in a bun because you refuse to be a 36-year-old woman with lice.
  32. Hold your daughter’s hair back while she throws up one more time.
  33. Cry some more.
  34. Go back to bed and watch Mickey Mouse Clubhouse reruns.
  35. Try to get her to eat or drink something.
  36. Sigh with relief because she finally fell asleep.
  37. Never mind. She just threw up all over you and your bed.
  38. Wash her face, mouth and pieces of hair that got in the way of her projectile vomit.
  39. Take a quick shower.
  40. Throw all dirty clothes, sheets and towels in the bathtub because you just can’t keep up with the laundry.
  41. Look for more lice.
  42. Find 1 more.
  43. Cry and ask God why he’s punishing you this way.
  44. Regret being so dramatic.
  45. Take a nap cuddling your sick baby.
  46. Get woken up 5 minutes later by your 1st grader coming home from school.
  47. Lysol your 1st grader down. You do not need two sick children at home.
  48. Cry tears of joy when your husband walks through the door.
  49. Smile when you see that your sick baby is feeling much better.
  50. Get kids ready for bed.
  51. Sleep.
  52. Get woken up at 2 am by your 1st grader telling you she has a “really big tummy ache”.
  53. Cry. A lot.

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A post about nothing. Seinfeld would be so proud.

'I'm not a neurologist, but according to this X-ray, you have no brain.'So I just realized my brain has turned into spaghetti and I haven’t been able to form a single coherent sentence since the holidays. Hence, my absence from the blogging world and I’m sure your lives. Rrriiight…

Let me start by apologizing for this post before you even read it because I have no idea what it’s going to be about, I’m going to wing it, just like I’m winging my children’s upbringing. I’m keeping my fingers crossed and hope they grow up to be descent human beings.

As I was saying, my mind is completely blank and it’s been that way since the holidays. January has been like one big massive hangover, and not precisely from drinking too much, those days were left in the past, along with a face that doesn’t have permanent puffy eyes.

I think I lost my brain sometime between getting over the initial shock of reading my daughters’ Christmas list, making one VERY realistic list of my own, Christmas shopping, and trying to figure out how to make a Christmas expense excel spreadsheet.

I thought about making a spreadsheet so I could find a way to organize my holiday shopping budget and not go haywire like I did last year. Dear husband, this is where you need to stop reading.  Actually, I’m not going to say how much I spent, because if I know my husband well, he is still reading even though I just asked him not to. But why should he start listening to me now?

Anyway, excel spreadsheets are hard. And I went over my budget. Again.

So this post will not be about my adventures in computer land.

Back to where I was telling you about my non functioning brain.

Right in the middle of that mess, I figured I should at least start laying out ideas on what to write next. So I started looking everywhere for all these random notes I’m usually jotting down on any writable surface. I checked my phone OHMYGODCANDYCRUSHISGONE!!!  I checked the palm of my hand Buy toilet paper and tampons. I checked the bathroom stalls Get a new writing pad. I checked my purse and surprisingly, all I found was an overdue speeding ticket and thanks to my zombie brain* I now have to pay double the amount.

Since it was still December, I figured I would write about how excruciatingly exhausting it is to keep lying to my kids about Santa. Not only does it drill a hole in my pocket every single year because my kids think Christmas is a toy free for all, but I always have to take it up a notch and start making up all these stupid “magical” stories about how all the reindeer send them letters every night without thinking first that I was going to be the one doing all the writing and printing, which in itself wasn’t hard work because who am  I kidding, I got the pre-written letters from the all mighty Pinterest. The real hard work was waiting for my daughters to fall asleep and not forgetting to roll up the letters and stick them in their stockings. That was too much of a commitment.

Do not even get me started on the as*hole that invented the elf on the shelf. This person clearly had too much time on her hands. Also, who designed this toy? What is the same person? And does she know that this creepy elf is just waiting for you to go to sleep so he can murder you in your sleep?

My daughters got theirs as a gift from someone who hates** me and we decided our elf, Nancy, was NOT going to be reporting back to Santa. They couldn’t stand the pressure of another set of eyes watching them, Santa’s eyes are enough.

So Christmas Eve rolled by and after partying until 1 am (and by partying I mean eating like a pig), mama here went to bed at 3:30 IN THE MORNING putting together a desk because my 7-year-old “absolutely needs an office”, and making sure “Santa” laid all the toys in a perfect semi-circle by the Christmas Tree. Naturally, two of my last working brain cells died that night. I swear to God when these kids find out the truth about Santa I better be getting a trip to the jewelry store as a thank you.

So this post will not be about the magic of Christmas.

Let me tell you about our crazy New Year’s Eve partaaaay!!!

We got all sorts of ready for NYE. I got party poppers, party hats, we had sparkling cider for the girls, soda for us (we’re boring, deal with it), ordered pizza and wait for it…. my husband fell asleep at 8:04 on the couch wearing a glitter party hat.  I have the picture to prove it but I can’t show it because he threatened to post a picture of when I thought I looked cute in a pixie cut, sooo…yeah…whatever…I rang the new year at 9:45 pm with my daughters and my mom while watching Disney reruns. Whoop Whoop!

So this post will not be about our New Year’s Eve fiesta.

On new years day, I sat down in front of my laptop (not hangover and totally refreshed from a good night sleep) and decided that for the first time ever, I was going to make some new year’s resolutions and all I could come up with was this:

1- Stop eating chocolate bars as a midday snack.

Because “joining the gym” would be just setting myself up for failure. And guess what? Chocolate is still my best friend forever.

So this post will not be about my New Year’s resolutions.

Also, this post will not be about how much weight I gained during the holidays. I don’t want to talk about it OK?!?!?

This post will NOT be me complaining about the weather. It’s January and it’s freezing cold and it sucks and it sucks and it sucks.

So what should this post be about?

 

*I don’t think Zombies have brains.

**I’m kidding S, I know you love me!

 

holy crap my daughter’s Christmas list is longer than a CVS receipt*

I LOVE Christmas. I love it so much that I’m probably one of the few people who doesn’t get bothered to see Christmas decorations right next to the Halloween ones in early October. I personally welcome anything that will make this holiday season stretch as much as it can, even if it means buying a pumpkin and a mistletoe at the same time.

My love for Christmas is obvious. So obvious, that I made my own Christmas list way before my daughters, and if you still haven’t read it just click here and enjoy.

Did you read it? No? Ok, one last chance, click here and enjoy.

Did you read it now? Great!

Anyway, if you thought that list was ambitious you should check out what my daughter is asking for.

Wish me luck because this is a long one.

Behold my 4-year-old’s Christmas list:

as dictated

As carefully dictated

  • Frozen dolls –  Pfffft! One step ahead of you kid! I bought these way before all the Elsa dolls in the world went out of stock. Just kidding. I just bought one for three times as much because all those f*cking dolls are out of stock.
  • Baby doll – number 18 to add to the pile.
  • American Girl – ay ay ay $$$
  • Romy’s sister – Who the hell is Romy?!? Note to self: find out who Romy is, then find out if she even has a sister. And are we even sure it’s her biological sister? What if she’s the product of an extramarital affair and they’ve been living a lie all these years? OMG Focus! Focus!
  • The doggie – Apparently, this dog is a big deal judging by the use of the word “the”. Must binge watch commercials and see which one is “the doggie” and it better not be a high maintenance one that requires those big ass square batteries or an app.
  • My own phone – Uhhh No.
  • Games – Hope educational games are alright with you.
  • New game – How did you know I’m getting you an educational game? I’m also thinking you are NOT alright with it.
  • Play Doh machine – They have machines now? In my time you would use a fork, an ice-cream scooper and whatever other kitchen utensil you could sneak out of the kitchen. So that’s what you’ll be using.
  • New dolly – Is this in addition to the baby doll, Romy’s “sister” AND the reason I’m going bankrupt American Girl doll???
  • New purse – To keep your new imaginary phone in, I suppose.
  • New clothes and shoes – Maybe Mrs. Claus can pick out an outfit or two. I’m pretty sure she already knows you change your outfit at least 7 times a day (this is a fact).
  • New stickers – Cheap and small. Check!
  • Hair ties – I fully support anything that will let me sit down and make beautiful creations to your pretty, bouncy hair.
  • One peluca (wig) red, short, with straight hair – hmmm…..not really sure what to make of this.
  • New scarf for winter –  You like to accessorize, yet you want to keep yourself warm. Smart and cute.
  • Colores (colors) – You run through a box of crayons like I run through a box of chocolates. So yes, you will be getting a couple of boxes…and so will I.
  • New heels – Didn’t you JUST ask for new clothes and shoes? But you’re right, a girl can never have enough shoes.
  • A pretty dress with lots and lots of flowers – Again, you JUST asked for new clothes and shoes!
  • A new cremita (lotion) “for my face doesn’t tan” – I’m so glad you’re embracing your paleness porcelain like skin.
  • My own tablet – Hahahahahahahaha NO.
  • More food – Geez! Santa’s going to think we’re starving you. You DO know your dad’s a chef right?
  • My own book – Wait. WHAT?? Santa’s a publisher too? I’m totally sending him a manuscript!!
  • A whole lot of candy – A whole lot!! That sounds like mountains and mountains of candy, which I’m sure is exactly what you have in mind. You can eat the ginger bread house on Christmas morning. You’re welcome.

Do you think it’s too much? I do, because I have TWO daughters, so I get TWO separate lists.

And this is what my oldest wants:

  • AMERICAN GIRL EVERYTHING – You know what? Just take all my money. Here, just take it!

Such efficiency

Not only did she write in detail what she wanted, but she circled each item from the catalog so that Santa wouldn’t even have a chance of missing anything. She then thought it would be a good idea for Santa to actually take the catalog with him, you know as a precaution, but not before making him a sign asking him to please bring it back.

 

 

 

*For those of you who don’t know what a CVS receipt looks like, here you go:

This is an actual receipt for the purchase of ONE pack of gum.

This person probably just purchased a pack of gum and got stuck with all this unnecessary paper, much like my daughter’s 18th doll.

 

14 days ’til Christmas. I better hustle!