Hey husband! Here’s a list of things I want for Mother’s Day. Don’t worry, they don’t cost a thing!

Since I know for a fact that you still have no clue what to get me for Mother’s Day…because it’s the day after and you still haven’t given me anything…at all… I thought it would be a nice gesture on my part to give you some ideas. Don’t worry, these won’t set you back a dime and I could really use them.

My Mind: I lost it sometime between 2011 and today. Not sure exactly where I left it. Maybe between the gazillion loads of laundry I’ve been doing since forever or the countless trips to the park…ALL of the parks to be more specific. I know I had it for sure the fall of 2010. I know because I had a baby that September and trust me, I clearly remember pushing her out of my nether regions. I remember every time I laugh hysterically and a little pee comes out. So don’t go looking for it back in 2010. Happy hunting!

It's a daily struggle. At least I remember my children's names.

It’s a daily struggle. At least I remember my children’s names.

A few more inches: No, don’t worry, not for you. I meant a few more inches of height! On me! Last week, while roaming my daughter’s school hallway looking for her classroom, the vice principal asked to see my hall pass. When I tried to explain that I was a parent, he laughed and said nice try kiddo and sent me to detention, which wasn’t that bad given that you’re not allowed to speak a word and I really needed the peace and quiet. Ahhh…30 minutes of bliss.

Well of course you may see my ID!

Well of course you may see my ID!

My Sanity: If you happen to find my mind, please look around, my sanity might be laying near by. The other day, I was walking out of the grocery store with a kid that didn’t belong to me. The only reason the cops weren’t called is because this kid’s mom was walking out with my child. Now we’re best friends and we laugh and laugh about it while we drink and drink away. OK, this is not true, but it could very well happen to me.

A clean house: This is self-explanatory. Please clean the house because I really don’t want to do it. You can do it while I sleep. I’m actually doing you a favor because if you do it while I’m sleeping, my OCD controlling ways won’t get in the middle of your productiveness and I won’t start bossing you around, sooo… you are welcome!

It's always just a false alarm.

It’s always just a false alarm.

Flowers: Yeah, yeah…. I know I’ll probably let them dry out within a day, BUT, since you’re already cleaning the house, you might as well buy a few hydrangeas, peonies and tulips to put around. The flower vases are probably under the kitchen sink or in the laundry, or maybe we don’t have any, not sure. Please figure it out, it’s Mother’s Day, I shouldn’t lift a finger. Oh, and don’t forget to water them.

So, since I know that my mind and sanity are probably long gone and impossible to get back, making me taller is really just wishful thinking, and surely you don’t know what a hydrangea is, the only thing left over from my list is a clean house.

Thanks sweety!! This is going to be a great belated Mother’s Day!

*UPDATE- I did receive flowers after all! And I don’t even have to water these!


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world’s toughest job? nah…

Not too long ago, I got bombarded with this video about a fake job posting, I’m sure you know which one I’m referring to and I’m sure you’ve probably seen it too. I do have to admit that the first time I saw the video my eyes got a little watery, that closing song…so dramatic.

The video shows a bunch of fake interviews for the Director of Operations position and the details of the job sounded just horrible, “inhumane”, as one of the candidates says in shock. At the end, this puppy eyed recruiter explains that millions of women actually hold this position, and to the surprise of the applicants these women are mothers around the world. But the way they picture motherhood was just not very appealing. I ran to warn my childless friends not to watch it if they were even thinking about having kids. Although kinda cute (I get the point, us moms are the bomb), the video mostly points out the hardships of motherhood. Yes we’re tired and sleep deprived and we look like hell 90% of the time (ok, that’s just me, but not because I’m a mother, it’s only because I can’t get it together), and our houses are less than perfect bla, bla, bla, but it is most definitely not the world’s toughest job.

These are some of the job descriptions and my honest take on them based on my years and years of experience raising children (only 7 years really, but that’s 49 in dog years!):

1- “Director of Operations”

Ok, so they started out on target. Us moms definitely hold the baton around the house. There’s no denying it, we just do.

2- “You must be able to work standing up most of the time, constantly on your feet.”

This is not accurate at all! I’m always on the floor, we color on the floor, we play dolls on the floor, we do arts and crafts on the floor, except when they want to have a dance party, that we do on our feet, or when we’re  playing t-ball, or riding bikes, or running outside, or out for a walk, or chasing after them when they want to leave the house naked, or breaking up a fight, or running down 4 flights of stairs because they “accidentally” dropped something off the balcony, or teaching them how to jump rope….wait.

3- “You will work 24/7, no breaks available, no vacations.”

I get plenty of breaks! Usually in the bathroom…while they’re banging on the other side of the door. I’ve recently been practicing something called “selective hearing”, my husband has been doing this for years.

4- “You can have lunch only when the ‘associate’ is done eating theirs.”

Didn’t you ever try the “one bite for mommy, one bite for baby” approach? Works wonders. We do that in Colombia a lot. Baby eating from the same spoon as mommy? Not a problem. We call that antibodies. Or when your kid decides that your lunch tastes better than theirs, so they switch plates leaving you with the smaller portion; or when they dump all their food (accidentally or not) on the floor and you didn’t make enough so you have to share half or more of yours; or when they go through a grilled cheese phase and that’s all they will eat and since I can’t cook squat I won’t make 2 different menus and all I eat is grilled cheese sandwiches for a week…the point is, we do eat! Don’t believe me? Ask the pile of too tight jeans I haven’t worn in 2 years because well….I’ve been eating too much!

5- “Must be able to wear several hats.”

True. But who wouldn’t want to?  No one cures a scrape better than a mommy armed with princess band aids.  No one explains addition and subtraction better than mommy, except fractions, long divisions, algebra, calculus, sweet Jesus I hope they’re geniuses cause I can’t deal with numbers. There’s no better therapist than mommy, you wouldn’t believe the DRAMA that goes on in the lives of 6-year-old girls: “So my friend Layla  and I decided that we are not going to let ANYONE come between us! We are going to be bff’s forever!” “Who’s trying to come between you girls?” “Oh, no one! It’s just in case duh.”. And don’t even get me started on my 3-year-old…those are mostly made up though: “What do you mean Hello Kitty came to your school and took your crayons? I’ll have a chat with her mommy, don’t you worry baby.”

6-  “You must be able to stay up through the night, no time to sleep.”

Nuh-uh! My girls have been sleeping through the night for a while now, that means I get to do the same too. Unless they sneeze, or cough, in which case I better sit by their side and see if they cough again, they might need some medicine or a nebulizer treatment, I’ll decide in an hour. Oh look it’s 1:30 and my husband is not back from the restaurant, I’ll just wait for him since I’m already awake. Itala is tossing and turning, she might be having a nightmare, I’ll just rub her head until she calms down. Honey you’re home so late, you must be really tired, go to bed, hmm I see you’re already snoring….I can’t sleep now…oh look, my alarm clock is about to go off…

7- “The position will pay absolutely nothing.”

I beg to differ!! Haven’t you ever been paid in hugs and kisses? Best. Currency. Ever. Currency…that reminds me that I better work some overtime if I ever want to make that trip to Colombia this Summer.

8- “You will make meaningful connections. The feeling that you get for really helping your associate is immeasurable.”

I agree with this one 100%.  Nothing can compare to the joy it brings knowing that you cured your child’s ouchy with just one kiss. Or that they come running straight to your arms when you get home from work. Or that you can hear their little voices screaming from inside the school bus “mommy, mommy!” every time you surprise them at the bus stop. Or when they come to you when they’re having nightmares or tummy aches. Or when they can’t wait to share every single detail of their day with you. Even when we  have 1 million things in our heads, even when we’re sleep deprived, even when our backs hurt because your 3-year-old loves to be carried, being a mother makes it all worth it.

Wishing all mommies out there an early Happy Mother’s Day. We rock!!