Hey husband! Here’s a list of things I want for Mother’s Day. Don’t worry, they don’t cost a thing!

Since I know for a fact that you still have no clue what to get me for Mother’s Day…because it’s the day after and you still haven’t given me anything…at all… I thought it would be a nice gesture on my part to give you some ideas. Don’t worry, these won’t set you back a dime and I could really use them.

My Mind: I lost it sometime between 2011 and today. Not sure exactly where I left it. Maybe between the gazillion loads of laundry I’ve been doing since forever or the countless trips to the park…ALL of the parks to be more specific. I know I had it for sure the fall of 2010. I know because I had a baby that September and trust me, I clearly remember pushing her out of my nether regions. I remember every time I laugh hysterically and a little pee comes out. So don’t go looking for it back in 2010. Happy hunting!

It's a daily struggle. At least I remember my children's names.

It’s a daily struggle. At least I remember my children’s names.

A few more inches: No, don’t worry, not for you. I meant a few more inches of height! On me! Last week, while roaming my daughter’s school hallway looking for her classroom, the vice principal asked to see my hall pass. When I tried to explain that I was a parent, he laughed and said nice try kiddo and sent me to detention, which wasn’t that bad given that you’re not allowed to speak a word and I really needed the peace and quiet. Ahhh…30 minutes of bliss.

Well of course you may see my ID!

Well of course you may see my ID!

My Sanity: If you happen to find my mind, please look around, my sanity might be laying near by. The other day, I was walking out of the grocery store with a kid that didn’t belong to me. The only reason the cops weren’t called is because this kid’s mom was walking out with my child. Now we’re best friends and we laugh and laugh about it while we drink and drink away. OK, this is not true, but it could very well happen to me.

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A clean house: This is self-explanatory. Please clean the house because I really don’t want to do it. You can do it while I sleep. I’m actually doing you a favor because if you do it while I’m sleeping, my OCD controlling ways won’t get in the middle of your productiveness and I won’t start bossing you around, sooo… you are welcome!

It's always just a false alarm.

It’s always just a false alarm.

Flowers: Yeah, yeah…. I know I’ll probably let them dry out within a day, BUT, since you’re already cleaning the house, you might as well buy a few hydrangeas, peonies and tulips to put around. The flower vases are probably under the kitchen sink or in the laundry, or maybe we don’t have any, not sure. Please figure it out, it’s Mother’s Day, I shouldn’t lift a finger. Oh, and don’t forget to water them.

So, since I know that my mind and sanity are probably long gone and impossible to get back, making me taller is really just wishful thinking, and surely you don’t know what a hydrangea is, the only thing left over from my list is a clean house.

Thanks sweety!! This is going to be a great belated Mother’s Day!

*UPDATE- I did receive flowers after all! And I don’t even have to water these!

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53 steps to taking care of your sick child

  1. Get an email from your child’s school warning parents that there is a stomach bug going around.
  2. Laugh at the stupid email, after all, you give her a nutritious balanced diet and her immune system is that of a superhero and she never gets sick.
  3. Pick up your child from preschool.
  4. Be informed by her teacher that she has been complaining of a “really big tummy ache”.
  5. Watch her hold her tummy and lie to yourself that it’s probably only gas.
  6. Watch your baby throw up all over your just steamed carpet.
  7. Realize it’s too late to carry her to the toilet and wait for her to finish throwing up on your JUST STEAMED CARPET.
  8. Wash her face, mouth and pieces of hair that got in the way of her projectile vomit.
  9. Carry her to your bed and surround her with towels seeing that you just bought a brand new mattress and it’s not about to get dirty.
  10. Watch Sofia the First reruns.
  11. Pat yourself on the back because surrounding her with towels was a great idea since she just threw up all over them.
  12. Wash her face, mouth and pieces of hair that got in the way of her projectile vomit.
  13. Wash towels.
  14. Call your husband and ask him to load up the car with saltine crackers and Gatorade.
  15. Go back to bed with clean towels AND plastic bags to throw up in because you’re pretty sure this kid is going to mess up ALL the towels.
  16. Watch Team Umizoomi reruns.
  17. Convince her that although she feels better, she may not jump on the bed.
  18. Try to calm down her tantrum by jumping on the bed with her.
  19. Realize this was a BAD idea and run to the bathroom for another throw up session.
  20. Clean the carpet because you didn’t make it to the bathroom in time.
  21. Wash her face, mouth and pieces of hair that got in the way of her projectile vomit sit her on the bathtub and hose her down from head to toe.
  22. Brush her teeth and hair.
  23. IS THAT A LICE WALKING ON HER HEAD?!?!?!
  24. Cry a little.
  25. Try to persuade your child to stay still while you search her head for lice.
  26. Find 2 more.
  27. Call you husband and have him pick up a lice treatment shampoo.
  28. Wash all sheets and pillows.
  29. Find 2 more.
  30. Cry for a few more minutes.
  31. Tie your hair up in a bun because you refuse to be a 36-year-old woman with lice.
  32. Hold your daughter’s hair back while she throws up one more time.
  33. Cry some more.
  34. Go back to bed and watch Mickey Mouse Clubhouse reruns.
  35. Try to get her to eat or drink something.
  36. Sigh with relief because she finally fell asleep.
  37. Never mind. She just threw up all over you and your bed.
  38. Wash her face, mouth and pieces of hair that got in the way of her projectile vomit.
  39. Take a quick shower.
  40. Throw all dirty clothes, sheets and towels in the bathtub because you just can’t keep up with the laundry.
  41. Look for more lice.
  42. Find 1 more.
  43. Cry and ask God why he’s punishing you this way.
  44. Regret being so dramatic.
  45. Take a nap cuddling your sick baby.
  46. Get woken up 5 minutes later by your 1st grader coming home from school.
  47. Lysol your 1st grader down. You do not need two sick children at home.
  48. Cry tears of joy when your husband walks through the door.
  49. Smile when you see that your sick baby is feeling much better.
  50. Get kids ready for bed.
  51. Sleep.
  52. Get woken up at 2 am by your 1st grader telling you she has a “really big tummy ache”.
  53. Cry. A lot.

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