in my honest opinion…

While reading my morning paper, I came across a very interesting parenting article (and by paper, I mean BuzzFeed, and by article, I mean a list). It’s a list of 31 products that are supposed to make parenting easier, of course, I immediately started reading because somebody help me please, please, please!

As I was scrolling down the list, I found that I could actually get a lot of use out of these items, so obviously, I started making my Christmas list because last year my husband Santa blatantly ignored the one I left under the tree.

So I’ve picked my favorite (and some pretty ridiculous ones as well) and given you my honest opinion, because I always have one. Ask my husband.

*You can find the original list here.

1. The Grab-N-Go Stroller Organizer 

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While it’s true that we no longer use a stroller, I will be purchasing this organizer for my husband, because I am sick and tired of not only having to hold all of my daughters’ crap inside my purse, but also his. For some reason, he seems to think there’s enough space in there to hold his wallet, a magazine, 2 books, a water bottle and snacks. Enough is enough, I have a hump on my back and a dislocated shoulder. Happy Father’s Day.

2. The Slumber Sling

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This idea is amazing and I don’t know why I didn’t come up with this! If you want to see the most entertaining bobble-heads in motion, just put my daughters in a car and watch them doze off as soon as the engine starts. Bobbling heads all over my back seat. I used to tape their heads to the car seats, but I think this Slumber Sling is more socially acceptable.

Damn it! I could’ve been so rich!

3. My Buddy Tags

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The My Buddy Tag bracelet lets you know when your child is too far away from you, so naturally, I will be buying these in bulk. If you think that wearing multiple colorful bracelets was a thing of the 80’s, well think again, cause I’m bringing this look back. Not only will I make my daughters wear more than one (just in case one or two fall off their wrists), but I will be pinning them to their shoes and clothing. There’s no way I’m losing sight of either one of them. Ever.

4. The BiKN Tag

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This is like the Buddy Tags, but BiKN is awesomer (I know that’s not a word, calm down). You can locate whatever the tag is attached to with an app on your phone. Which means, if I put this in my daughter’s pocket, I can find her wherever she is, so I will be buying all the BiKN’s, because when they’re teenagers and they “accidentally” lose it, I will have several boxes waiting to be opened. Because there’s no such thing as being too overprotective.

5. The Orbit Baby Sidekick Stroller Board

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First of all, it’s $120 for half a skateboard. So, no. Second of all, I’ll be spending way over $120 in medical bills for every time I trip over it and break my ankle. So, no. Third of all, even if I still used a stroller, I wouldn’t want to push the weight of two kids by myself. So, no. But it sure looks like fun!!

6. The Toydozer

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This is supposed to “help” them clean up, I think this will just give them an excuse to throw all of their Legos all over the house. So I’ll stick to what has worked for me. Hide them until they forget they actually own any.

8. The Tangle Teezer

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Apparently, this little brush works like magic when it’s time to tame the most knotty of hairs. Well, I already own ALL of these brushes, all the different brands, and not one of them works. Not one. I’ve lost my battle with my daughter’s knots and now she looks like the kid version of Bob Marley. A very cute one, I might add.

8. The Baby Tooth Album

enhanced-11222-1400169490-8Is this thing for real?? This is gross and wrong and whoever buys this needs psychological help, unless you have a Tooth Fairy complex, and if that’s the case, go get help.

9. Cooling Dishenhanced-11768-1400192769-13

At first, I thought this was as ridiculous as Justin Bieber. But after reading its description, because obviously I was too quick to judge, I realized that this is THE actual plate!!!  And it’s genius! It cools down your food as you’re serving it! Whaaaaaaat?? I’m buying them in every color. Do you know how annoying kids get when they’re waiting for their meals to cool? PAINFULLY ANNOYING!

She's probably sick and tired of waiting on her mac & cheese to cool down.

She’s probably sick and tired of waiting for her mac & cheese to cool down.

And there you go!

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I am a wise one I tell you!

A few posts back I wrote about this to-do list I started the day I found out I was pregnant with my first baby. It’s basically a list of things I needed to learn before she was born and obviously still haven’t because postponing everything is how I roll.

What I didn’t tell you though, is all the things I’ve learned that have made me the Master Mother Sensei that I am today. Not really, but it sounds bad ass so just humor me.

I think I read a few pages each of all the parenting books I bought while pregnant. I stopped reading them when I figured out my obgyn was giving me the Cliff Notes version on every appointment, and frankly, I preferred to spend as much time sleeping since everyone kept drilling into my head that once you have a baby you will never ever in a million years even when they get married and leave the house sleep again. This is in fact….a fact.

I’ve somehow managed to become an expert on a few areas and I would love to spread my wisdom. Please take note, this is very important:

POOP 

Everything I know is based on usually chaotic experiences, things that just suddenly happened, followed by frantic online searches (don’t ever do that) and calls to the pediatrician, only to have her tell me it’s all perfectly normal and that I should have really read the books. Case in point, the day my daughter proudly showed me the neon green poop she had just left in the potty. One panicky Google search later, and I quickly learned that she was either slowly turning into an alien or that artificial coloring does exactly that, artificially colors your baby’s poop. Damn you Lucky Charms.  7 years later I am the poop expert in my house. One quick look and I can tell you what they had for dinner the night before. My parents are very proud.

TOYS

I’m also, of course, a toy connoisseur.  I have spent my fair share of time playing with ALL OF THEM, so I know for a fact that Ken is gay and he might be having an affair with some other Ken dude that never has his pants on. I’m surprised Barbie still dates him, she seems to be a smart girl judging from all the jobs she currently has (Vet, Hairstylist, Mom, Teacher, Park Ranger and everything in between), but she just can’t get a clue that her boyfriend has better clothes than her and is constantly hanging around another blondie with a mad six-pack. Barbie, break up with him, but still keep him around. Trust me, they throw the best parties ever and they make the best friends a girl (or anyone for that matter) could ask for.

Ken, tell Barbie the truth and then come find me, we can totally be bff’s. image via dailybest.it

Hungry Hippos are just that, 4 starving hippos that never seem to get full because this mind numbing game never ends.

Mickey and Minnie are way overrated and have been collecting dust on the top shelf.

Monster High dolls have freakishly long legs and skinny torsos and they dress like ‘women of the night’, because calling them whores would be a little mean, after all, they are teenagers.

Hello Kitty will forever be a cat, no matter who says otherwise.  I will not let you crush my childhood.

Cabbage Patch Kids are still around, and guess what? They still have the same awesome smell they did before. Don’t pretend you never smelled them.

All this vast knowledge I have on toys is obviously because I’ve purchased them all for my daughters, which brings me to my next point of expertise…finance.

FINANCE

I learned this summer that once your daughters find out there is an American Girl store in your area, you might as well just kiss your 401k good-bye and walk inside because they will stop at nothing until they get one. That means cleaning their rooms and eating Brussels sprouts.

They have also been collecting these little dolls called Mini Lalaloopsy for about 4 years now.  Each one of them comes with their own personality (some very questionable), a pet (of course) and one million accessories (why not?). They cost around $7.99 each, multiply that by 91, add to that 2 American Girl dolls plus whatever accessories and outfits they’re going to want, at least 3 yearly shopping trips to the mall because they never stop growing, plus lots and lots of grocery shopping and you have what I like to call a one way ticket to bankruptcy city.

Bye, bye my loves :(

Bye, bye my loves :(

 

Hibernation 

It usually takes me getting ready to go out with my hubby in order for either one of my daughters, if not both, to suddenly, out of the blue, get sick. Not before, when I’m still lounging around in my yoga pants. No. They wait until I have brushed my hair, put on make-up (concealer and strawberry chap stick), squeeze into my skinny jeans and break out the stilettos for them to throw up out of nowhere.

If we do manage to slip away for a quick bite or even, wait for it….a movie, we will undoubtedly get a call from grandma saying that they’re either coughing too much or have a horrible, horrible tummy ache. And of course, because I’m as paranoid as it gets and must rush to their sides every time they say “ouch”, by the time we get there, whatever “ouchy” they had magically disappears.

So now I keep the house stacked with medicine, snacks, unread magazines, movies for the young and old and loads of toys, because I’ve become quite an expert hibernator, not that I mind now that the weather is starting to suck again.

And there you have it! 4 things I’m really good at. Next time I’ll talk about child psychology or something more profound that doesn’t involve poop.

 

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